I am in the front corner because the class is so full, this is the only spot left. The sun is shining through the filtered blinds and the air is still and heavy. I’ve been here before and I promised myself I wouldn’t take this spot again, but I did. The jungles of Cozumel come to mind with their dense, humid and breezeless heat. I beg for air but it doesn’t quite circle around to my part of the world. I wonder if my discomfort is to be embraced as part of my learning today.
My distress with the air is not the only thorn in my tire. A body that talks loudly in my mind’s ears about my old sprained ankle, bad knee or hamstring issue is in full regale. I adjust, I modify, I abstain. It is worth it. I tell my body You are here now. You showed up. My mental state was crying for relief and all I had to do was show up. As in most things, this is true here.
Priceless gems of wisdom spill from my teacher’s lips. Eyes closed I soak up every word, like drops of water to a parched soul as if in a dream. Her truths are reminders of what I already know, but get buried under the negativity of my mind. Our movements through class bear resemblance to music or the line of a heartbeat on the thin paper streaming from the machine. The class moves in undulating rising motions, peaks at that place of highest resistance and then begins the relief of the coming down. I am here, I’ve said yes to this class. This medicine heals me more than any other. At the crescendo of class my mind is bursting with heat and struggle. This is what I came here for. I am moving stubborn thoughts and moods out into the heat to be baked away into the nothing they always were. This release wants to come as an erupting sob, but instead I give in to a few tears. Goodbye struggle, I release you.
I hear the words, you are not a victim. It shocks me a little as I was playing the part well, but naive to my game. The crest of the wave has passed and we are left to follow through in the cleansing wash. We breathe, we settle. we relax. My thoughts return to the dream state. Wisely guided to my director’s chair, my soul sits calmly. She says I am waiting for you.
…that she was here all along. Without the drama. She is peace. She is me. She appears as a thin cloud in a warm blue sky. Waiting, patient, present. I am waiting.
I have returned to my soul. The journey of my body guiding the reunion with my soul. I am awakened to me.
And then my message comes…
Life is short and time is the currency. I know this and I choose to spend my currency with those I love. In my haste to do it right I am forgetting a most important person. Me. The inner me who waits calmly, with kind eyes and a compassionate healing presence. Could I seek myself out like a favored friend? Could I remember her? She is my higher self. I realize I take her for granted, because she is always with me and always will be. I push her aside with the famous in a minute or just let me do this first. As in other relationships this only creates distance and forgetting.
I’m thinking I need to move her to the front of the line, get to know her better and let her be a good influence on me. At the very least I know she will be waiting for me in my next yoga class.
I just hope her mat won’t be in that front corner.
(Many thanks and deep gratitude to my yoga teacher, Angie Norwood, to whom this post is dedicated.)