Beginning again feels hard.
Writing comes to mind. Lately – for months really – I’ve been writing in my journal, but somehow I’ve been reticent to reveal what I’ve been journaling here, on my blog. The longer I go without blogging here, the harder it is to begin again. At one point I realized I was waiting for my life to wrap up its lessons in neat packages so I could share them with you, along with their happy ending or meaningful lesson. One of my friends challenged me to write while I was “in the middle of it,” before I knew the ending. Well, more time went along with no confessions from my confused state.
After a glorious and eventful Summer filled with joining and meeting and exploring and starting, I finally entered my Autumn season. Before I got a chance to write about Summer I was experiencing ‘Success by Fire Hose,’ which is its own blog post. At that point I just hung on, knowing eventually Christmas would arrive and the high pressure flow would go back to a normal stream. During this busy time I relaxed my boundaries and also pulled my back out – twice. Ouch. As I finished up my sessions in a back brace, I knew I’d be having a talk with myself (again) about boundaries and self care. Between my work and my back, I then stopped going to yoga. “What?” you ask? Yes, I stopped yoga. Now I am starting again. It is scary, it is harder, I am careful, I am tired, but oh the cleanse. Yoga is like a dishwasher for the body and soul.
Why was it so hard to start again?
After Success by Fire Hose comes January and that is the month for tax preparation and financial aid forms. I dread beginning, and I know why. My ADD brain does not like paper-gathering, although once it’s done I do feel satisfied with the organization and clarity. Honestly, I don’t like to look in my money mirror. I grew up thinking I wasn’t good with money (something to do with impulsivity maybe?). Because of my ADD brain and impulsivity, I have created many systems and automation to manage my money. Every year I look for something I struggle with and work to make it better somehow. I have come a long way in my partnership with money, but I still view my money-self as the old me, even if evidence is to the contrary. Last year, my new tax accountant gave me a twenty minute speech on just how good I was with money. It was like getting a good shake into the present and a new mirror to look into.
Still, why is it so hard to start?
This time, with my accountant’s words in my ear, boosting me up by my bootstraps, I looked for my successes. I found big ones. Big goals met, hurdles overcome, a glimpse of ‘I can do this.’
Even photography. When the rush is over and the lull arrives, it is easy to make plans and review systems, but to begin photographing again? It feels rusty and I hope it might rain that day. Why is it so hard to start?
We forget the momentum, the confidence, the strength, the joy.
The fear speaks louder at the beginning.
So in this brand new January, I urge you to play your favorite song and drown out that fear, if only for a minute, until you make a small start. Start with one small thing: Open your blog page. Put on your yoga pants. Review your money successes. Photograph something that makes you sing. Ask someone you trust to hand you a new mirror.
That one small step is a step upward on your spiral. As you step, you spiral up and each step builds on the last. One step will bring confidence to another. Even if you’re crying like you’re birthing a baby while doing your taxes, you are spiraling up because you are doing it. Once you’ve done it, no one can take that upward step on the spiral away.