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What are you carrying?

When I stepped on the scale at the doctor’s office, I was stunned. I did not imagine this number, even though my pants should have clued me in. It wasn’t shame or self-hatred that flew at me next, it was deep sadness that I hadn’t been loving myself enough. To be fair, when your life is in crisis you will reach for any kind of life raft. Some years that’s all there is. We are just challenged. Other years we can recover, but can we love ourselves through the crisis years?

I plead with the doctor for answers to why I was feeling bad. I begged for every blood test there is. When they all came back normal, only one thing came to mind; stepping on that scale in his office. Yes I had gained weight, but rather than the literal interpretation of that weight, bags of sugar came to mind. Yes, much of those pounds are literally from sugar, but what of the symbology of ten pound bags of sugar. All I could think of is “what are you carrying?” How would it be to try to juggle those bags in my daily life? Lugging them everywhere I go? What if it was a small child I carried, but could never put down? What if that small child was me? No wonder I was exhausted.

The word that hovers in front of me now is “shed.” Yes, shed those bags of sugar. Love that small child enough to put her down.

Sometimes you are faced with a black hole of pain and you will look for anything to fill it. Ironically the things we usually find to throw into the hole are not helping. The hole is a bottomless one. There is no filling it.

I recently heard a concept quoted a few times and have realized it is a message for me. “You can’t control everything, but you do have a choice.” So during those hard times when we feel out of control, what can we choose? I know my healing path always includes healthy foods and yoga. Shouldn’t that be first on my list instead of last? Sometimes you just have to get through the eye of the storm to the other side and then love yourself back up. Let judgement fall away and show yourself compassion. My word for this year is self-compassion. It is a year of rebuilding for me. I am feeling the twinkle more often now and I still need to love myself through the hard days. Just like a boomerang I need to loop back to healthy food and yoga.

Now that the scale has awakened me, I am journeying back to myself with loving self-care. I choose the crowding method of cooking a lunch of shredded zucchini with a fried egg on top, garnished with avocado instead of waiting to eat until I’m starving and will grab anything. I think of my body as a bank account. I can deposit or withdraw, depending on my healthy food decisions. The good thing about becoming conscious again is once the decision is made, momentum can be found. I am encouraged by my little progress to keep going.

Awakening and returning to your body can be painful. Living from the neck up let’s you be unconscious to all the signals your body is trying to send. So I think back to what I am carrying and I decide it’s okay to put my troubles down. That will be my choice today.

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Kathi Roberge Kibbe - February 6, 2016 - 6:16 pm

Well said! It is a good reminder that we can all be more patient and compassionate to ourselves. In loving ourselves more we love others more and share happiness in the world!